A big day… December 23, 2007

This week marked the day Boomer has been with us longer than he was at Layla…  He was there a very long 5 1/2 months, but now he has been with us longer.  It’s crazy how quickly the last few months have gone by.  Although at the same time it feels like he’s been here forever. 

I have found myself thinking of Ethiopia a lot lately.  Maybe because it’s Christmas, I’m not really sure.  And I have been thinking of Boomer’s Ethiopian mommy.  I find myself whispering to him about her.  Telling him she loves him.  Telling him let’s pray for her.  And praying that she is healthy and happy and safe.  And that she knows he is healthy and happy and safe.  And loved.  I really really hope she can somehow know this.

I was looking at his paperwork and I realized he was able to spend last Christmas (on the Ethiopian calendar) with his birth mother.  I am so happy for that. 

Anyways.  Big day for us!  And our first Christmas together coming up…

Thanks Guys December 19, 2007

Thank you for the responses.  Especially about what it will mean for my kids to read this someday.  

 So here is one of those ‘unpublished posts’ from just a few weeks ago.

I need to write…

 You may have noticed the last few posts have been pretty empty.  Mostly just updates, a few pictures.  No real thoughts…  I have thoughts, believe it or not   I have just been having trouble finding the time to do anything with them, or more importantly, I have been having trouble getting them from my head into anything else (here or elsewhere).  I have thoughts about our children, about myself as a mother and a wife, about the possibility (or lack thereof) of more children, about my career, and much much more.  My thoughts are usually pretty random and come and go so quickly it is ridiculously impossible to make any sense out of anything…. 

But I thought maybe I should try…

Maybe just a little at a time…

So my topic for today is this post-adoption madness.  The time from July 14 until today has not been all happiness and roses.  Although I never really expected it to be.  I am not really sure what I expected…  I read a lot, so I had some general idea of the realities of adoption, just as the realities of postpartum.  I had a little postpartum after SG was born.  There were definitely good days and bad days.  It’s pretty much the same now…

The most challenging part has been adjusting to Boomer’s personality.  Intense, strong-willed, smart, hard-headed, curious, demanding, short-tempered, impatient, funny.  I think I have used all of these words at one time or another.  He is very different from SG, which is a good thing.  But it has caused us to realize we were not quite the incredible parents we thought we were.  SG was just a really easy kid.  Boomer is definitely more of a challenge.  At first I would question myself, am I frustrated more easily because he is adopted, because I have only just met him, because he is a boy, because he is our second child.  Then I realized it’s sort of a combination.  He is very much a boy, just as SG is very much a girl.  He is all cars and balls.  Being the second child definitely has a huge impact.  He is not our universe the way SG was as a baby.  She was honestly the only thing I had to do…  Now I have work (even if it is just part-time), school, his sister…  I do not spend all day on the floor playing with him the way I did with her.  And I should not be frustrated with him for that.  I should be frustrated with me.  Perhaps he wants more attention because he doesn’t get enough…

Attention.  Yikes!  Does this boy ever know how to get attention.  The screaming is so ridiculously incessant.  It never stops…  Bored? scream. Tired? scream. Hungry? scream. Happy? scream. Mad? scream. Sad? scream.  We worked so hard to get him to say (or sign) “more” so he would perhaps stop screaming between each and every bite.  Then he developed this way of screaming “Moh!!!”  The tone is SO SO demanding, even a little angry.  He also gets SO SO mad when he is mad.  He bangs his head on things, whatever is the closest…the table, the windowsill, the floor.  He bangs it so hard I know it has to hurt.  I ignore it so he doesn’t get the attention he is wanting…  But he still does it.

He is also so smart.  It is fascinating to watch him.  He is obsessed with how things work, very mechanical.  Anything that has buttons he immediately has to figure out which buttons work and what they do.  He also loves anything that moves.  He will push a car around the house for hours.  He likes to roll them along the windowsill or along the table.  When he is tired he gets very frustrated when they keep falling off.  He also likes balls.  He will roll them all around the house and just follow them around.  He likes to put them into things and take them out.  He’s just always busy.  He recently learned to climb, which I have a feeling will possibly lead to disaster.

There are so many days that I have doubted my parenting ability.  Days I feel like I am the worst mother ever.  Days I know I am not giving him the attention he needs and deserves.  Days I get frustrated so much sooner than I should.  Days I realize I am not as happy as I should be, which is not fair to my children or my husband.  Days I wonder what on earth is wrong with me.

But then the next day is fine.  The screaming is greatly reduced, we are all in a good mood.  We all hang out and play together.  I take extra time to play ball with him or sing nursery rhymes (he frequently requests itsy bitsy spider by trying to get his little fingers to work).

I am hoping the good days begin to outnumber the tough ones.  I feel like this is starting to happen, but they still seem so random.  I am hoping I can stop feeling so blah and start being ‘in the moment’ more often.  I am really just hoping all of us can be happy and I know that starts with me…

Where is this going? December 18, 2007

This started as a way to keep grandparents and family and friends updated on the goings on of Supergirl and a few of my random thoughts.  Then it grew into the story of our adoption.  It was a place to document the journey.  A place to let everyone we knew know where we were in the process.  A place to vent my frustrations.  A place to celebrate the progress.  Then something interesting happened.  It turned into this wonderful support group.  I connected with a much larger adoption community with so many voices that are so supportive and encouraging.  People to share stories with.  I have even had the opportunity to meet some of these people in real life. 

My life is currently in sort of a transition stage.  We are still adjusting from one kid to two.  I am making the change from part-time to full-time work.  I am back in school.  All of this has definitely changed the face of findingbabyg.  I have very seriously considered calling it quits.  Or at least taking an extended vacation…

For one thing, time is suddenly not quite as available.  I don’t have as much time to download pictures, to write more than a few sentences every week or so.  Which leaves a lot of empty space…

I also struggle with what to post.  I still need the support group.  I have written posts but never published them.  I am very aware that my children could one day read this.  I am concerned about venting for fear they will not understand where I am coming from or that this is really such a small part of our lives.  I am afraid to say I had a rough day for fear they will feel I was unhappy.  For that isn’t true.

So I’m now sort of rambling.  I guess I’m just trying to say I don’t know what direction this is going.  I don’t feel like it is as honest as it once was.  And I am not sure I have time for it to be a fun picture/update place either. 

In fact, I don’t even know if anyone reads this anymore   But we are still here.  I still have thoughts (sometimes) that I want to write, just can’t decide whether to post…

What do you think?  I know there are those of you out there much busier than me, how do you do it?  And how do you feel about your kids reading this stuff?  Any feedback at all would be very much appreciated.

Dear Santa, December 12, 2007

So I feel I have been pretty good this year.  Ok, at least I have tried really hard to be.  I was very patient (at least most of the time) waiting for our referral and then again waiting for our trip to Ethiopia.  I have worked very hard at spreading my love between my son, daughter and husband.  I have sacrificed any private time I used to have to the above 3.  I have tried to bring as many smiles as possible into our home.  I have given as many hugs and kisses as I can fit into each day. 

I have not been perfect, there were days I was simply grumpy for no real reason.  Days I did not appreciate the countless gifts I have been given.  Days I have not been as fun as I could/should be.  But I am trying very hard to be the best mom and wife that I can. 

So if you decide to send anything my way, here is what I would like…

One of these so on those rare occasions I get to take a hot bath I can do so without having to scrub the tub for 30 minutes first…

And some of these, these, and these because I really need to wear more than just jeans and a sweatshirt at my new practicum…

Oh yeah, and some of these just because I like them….

Thanks,

me

PS I almost forgot the most important one of all.  This.

First attempt at christmas photo… December 10, 2007

2 things…
Yes, they are always like this
and yes, our christmas tree really does look that sad…

Quick Update December 5, 2007

I turned in my resignation yesterday.  I am back in school for school social work and as part of that I have to complete yet another practicum.  SO….starting January 3rd I will be in a school full-time getting all of my practicum hours.  It will basically be like a full-time job without the full-time pay, but I can’t complain too much as it has a pretty nice stipend.  I will also be taking another class next semester.  So I am going from part time to full time plus a class.  Yikes.  I am a little apprehensive, but also excited.  I will be finished in May and be ready to get a real job as a school social worker next fall.  This means I will have the summer off!  YAY!!!  Hopefully I can find a job in the fall, I haven’t quite worked out plan B yet…

What else…  Boomer has been a bit demanding lately.  Lot’s of screaming.  We are REALLY hoping that when he starts talking the screaming will decrease.  If anyone has any suggestions please let us know!  We have been trying sign language, and he knows milk and more, but he still seems to prefer the screaming…

Supergirl and I have scored some free tickets to the Nutcracker this weekend (thanks Uncle A).  I am so excited, we will be dropping Boomer off at grandma’s and going to lunch and then to the matinee.  Girls day out!  I know she will like it, the other day I was flipping channels and the Rockettes were on and the girl completely lost her mind.  She was glued to the tv trying her best to imitate every dance move they did.  Once she said, “whoa!  I don’ think I can do that!”

Okay more pics and stuff later.  I am hoping to (FINALLY) get the kids pictures taken this week (Christmas cards) but we are ridiculously broke right now, so we’ll see how that works out…