Some days this whole parenting thing leaves me curled up on the floor of my bedroom gasping for breath as the tears fall uncontrollably. I feel terrified I am making unfixable mistakes—or already have—or am going to tomorrow. I do not know the right way to respond—or to answer—or to even approach. I wonder why everyone else I know is so much better at this. I feel confused—and lost—and like I have no idea what I am doing. I feel isolated—that our challenges are somehow different than everyone else so I am therefore unable to talk about them—or ask for help—or even ask for someone to listen. I am defeated.
Some days are beautiful. They are filled with laughter—and hand-holding—and quiet snuggling—and inside jokes—and non-stop play. With moments where I stare at their beautiful faces and try as hard as I can to sear them into my memory—exactly as they are at this moment. Moments where I am asked a thousand questions and I try my best to answer them all while filled with awe of this intense hunt for knowledge and understanding. Moments where I observe kindness when they don’t even know I am watching. Days where I go to bed with a heart that is so painfully full of love I am not sure I will be able to sleep.
I am thankful that my beautiful days outnumber my broken ones. While I am not perfect I think it is important that I am able to recognize that and allow it to drive me towards being better. I am working SO hard at this and will not be stopping. I am a mom. A mom!!! To this day, almost 11 years after the birth of our daughter, that still amazes me!!! I am so in love with these kids—if I allow myself a moment to stop and just think about it for a minute I quickly become overwhelmed.
Today was a good day.