A little peak inside my head

Okay, so you may have noticed I haven’t really posted any ‘thoughts’ in awhile.  Sure, I’ve posted lots of updates and pictures, but nothing else.  There are several reasons for this.  For one, I feel like my thoughts change dramatically everyday, so if I write a post today, I’ll probably read it tomorrow and wonder what the heck I was talking about.  Secondly, this waiting stuff has been pretty hard and I don’t want a blog written by Ms. Debbie Downer…

There are days lately where I can  not imagine my life being any more perfect.  I love my family, our house, my job, the weather.  There are those moments where I close my eyes and try to etch it into my brain to remember forever.  For example, the other night the weather was perfect and Supergirl and I went for a walk around the neighborhood.  I with my ipod, and she with her awesome FP3 Player (thanks grandma).  As we walked she was belting out songs like “Kiss the Girl” from the Little Mermaid.  Now, if you have never heard a 2-year-old sing that song it is truly the cutest thing ever.  She has been cracking us up so much lately.  Her vocabulary is hilarious.  Her word choices are always pretty impressive.  She is also obsessed with her future career as an ‘animal doctor.’  About 500 times a day she leads our dog to the corner of the porch, her ‘office,’ and asks “Jackson, how are you feeling?  Are you sad, happy, afraid?”  Apparently she is the next dog whisperer… (oh, and I am happy to report Jackson is pretty much always ‘happy’ according to the dr.)

There are also other days where I feel very beat down by the adoption process.  Don’t get me wrong, I am more than excited about getting him home. It’s just the wait and unpredictability that can drive you nuts.  I can do nothing but look at those pictures and watch him growing up without us.  I am watching him being raised by other people.  I can not imagine how birthmothers feel.  This is exactly what they do, except forever….  It is hard hard hard.  In the beginning I tried very hard not to look at his picture.  I did not want to get attached until things were more final.  Heck, not until I met him in person.  But that is inevitable.  I looked…and looked…and bought him things…and wrote to him, and thought of him, and love him!  I still have this secret fear deep in my heart that our case will never pass court, that he will never come home to us. That is a very strong fear.  I know in reality we will most likely pass our next court date and will be on an airplane this time next month to meet him.  But still…even that is ‘most likely.’  Nothing is certain.  And that is what is hard.

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4 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Kristen
    Jun 12, 2007 @ 09:54:52

    As I read your post, it reminded me so much of me when I was in your shoes. I don’t know of anyone who does not feel the same way, if that helps at all (probably not :). Just know that while you can’t be there with him, those caretakers just love up those kids so much. He is feeling love everyday, and will until you can show him. That is why he is looking so healthy and thriving so well. You’re in my thoughts…

    Reply

  2. Kerri
    Jun 12, 2007 @ 10:00:09

    You have expressed all of my feelings. This process can get so hard. Especially while waiting to get our babies home. I wonder what is going on with her every minute. If she is healthy and loved. I’m dying to see her again. I’m begging for just a picture!
    We can all stand together in this horrible waiting game!
    Best wishes!

    Reply

  3. Anne
    Jun 12, 2007 @ 10:03:20

    I had fears up until the moment we heard we’d passed court. I wish there was something I could say that would make it easier — I do know that once I got on that plane, the pain of the waiting started to recede. I heard so often that I should just “keep busy” and “not think about the adoption” — ha ha. I didn’t want to NOT think about it — this was my baby, and she was on my mind constantly. I think it helped, actually, with the attachment process to be so emotionally involved.

    Thinking of you, and feeling certain that your new court date will be successful and you’ll be winging your way to Ethiopia SOON!!!

    Reply

  4. Stacie
    Jun 12, 2007 @ 10:16:19

    Okay, now you’ve made me cry! (We’re 2 for 2 there) I’m glad you shared this though- I’ve been wondering how you’ve been feeling, as I know it has to be extremely difficult. And like Anne said, I think the fears are natural- I have them about crazy stuff (that I won’t mention, so as to not bring up any more worries) that I know are unlikely, but they still come up in my mind.
    And you aren’t Debbie Downer, especially when you add in the cute stuff about SG- I love the animal doctor stuff – very cute!
    And, yes maybe we should all get together! That might help us avoid the crazies. 🙂

    Reply

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