Thanks Guys

Thank you for the responses.  Especially about what it will mean for my kids to read this someday.  

 So here is one of those ‘unpublished posts’ from just a few weeks ago.

I need to write…

 You may have noticed the last few posts have been pretty empty.  Mostly just updates, a few pictures.  No real thoughts…  I have thoughts, believe it or not 😉  I have just been having trouble finding the time to do anything with them, or more importantly, I have been having trouble getting them from my head into anything else (here or elsewhere).  I have thoughts about our children, about myself as a mother and a wife, about the possibility (or lack thereof) of more children, about my career, and much much more.  My thoughts are usually pretty random and come and go so quickly it is ridiculously impossible to make any sense out of anything…. 

But I thought maybe I should try…

Maybe just a little at a time…

So my topic for today is this post-adoption madness.  The time from July 14 until today has not been all happiness and roses.  Although I never really expected it to be.  I am not really sure what I expected…  I read a lot, so I had some general idea of the realities of adoption, just as the realities of postpartum.  I had a little postpartum after SG was born.  There were definitely good days and bad days.  It’s pretty much the same now…

The most challenging part has been adjusting to Boomer’s personality.  Intense, strong-willed, smart, hard-headed, curious, demanding, short-tempered, impatient, funny.  I think I have used all of these words at one time or another.  He is very different from SG, which is a good thing.  But it has caused us to realize we were not quite the incredible parents we thought we were.  SG was just a really easy kid.  Boomer is definitely more of a challenge.  At first I would question myself, am I frustrated more easily because he is adopted, because I have only just met him, because he is a boy, because he is our second child.  Then I realized it’s sort of a combination.  He is very much a boy, just as SG is very much a girl.  He is all cars and balls.  Being the second child definitely has a huge impact.  He is not our universe the way SG was as a baby.  She was honestly the only thing I had to do…  Now I have work (even if it is just part-time), school, his sister…  I do not spend all day on the floor playing with him the way I did with her.  And I should not be frustrated with him for that.  I should be frustrated with me.  Perhaps he wants more attention because he doesn’t get enough…

Attention.  Yikes!  Does this boy ever know how to get attention.  The screaming is so ridiculously incessant.  It never stops…  Bored? scream. Tired? scream. Hungry? scream. Happy? scream. Mad? scream. Sad? scream.  We worked so hard to get him to say (or sign) “more” so he would perhaps stop screaming between each and every bite.  Then he developed this way of screaming “Moh!!!”  The tone is SO SO demanding, even a little angry.  He also gets SO SO mad when he is mad.  He bangs his head on things, whatever is the closest…the table, the windowsill, the floor.  He bangs it so hard I know it has to hurt.  I ignore it so he doesn’t get the attention he is wanting…  But he still does it.

He is also so smart.  It is fascinating to watch him.  He is obsessed with how things work, very mechanical.  Anything that has buttons he immediately has to figure out which buttons work and what they do.  He also loves anything that moves.  He will push a car around the house for hours.  He likes to roll them along the windowsill or along the table.  When he is tired he gets very frustrated when they keep falling off.  He also likes balls.  He will roll them all around the house and just follow them around.  He likes to put them into things and take them out.  He’s just always busy.  He recently learned to climb, which I have a feeling will possibly lead to disaster.

There are so many days that I have doubted my parenting ability.  Days I feel like I am the worst mother ever.  Days I know I am not giving him the attention he needs and deserves.  Days I get frustrated so much sooner than I should.  Days I realize I am not as happy as I should be, which is not fair to my children or my husband.  Days I wonder what on earth is wrong with me.

But then the next day is fine.  The screaming is greatly reduced, we are all in a good mood.  We all hang out and play together.  I take extra time to play ball with him or sing nursery rhymes (he frequently requests itsy bitsy spider by trying to get his little fingers to work).

I am hoping the good days begin to outnumber the tough ones.  I feel like this is starting to happen, but they still seem so random.  I am hoping I can stop feeling so blah and start being ‘in the moment’ more often.  I am really just hoping all of us can be happy and I know that starts with me…


5 Comments (+add yours?)

  1. Danielle
    Dec 19, 2007 @ 12:38:35

    I think I just read the description of my kid! Amelie is the same way–the child wears out an entire staff of uber-teachers at daycare everyday, so I try not to get so down on myself when she wears me out.

    Some things that have helped us (she’s now almost 18 months, BTW)–working REALLY hard to teach her how to play by herself (not easy at first, and it still doesn’t last super long, but I cherish those moments), lots of playing outside (it just wears her out quicker, even if she’s in the backpack on a cold day being walked around the neighborhood), SWIMMING (it’s like an ace in the hole…gotta love the rec center), more food than I ever thought a child her size needed (she can eat nearly as much as my husband…part of her frustration with us was we weren’t offering enough, often enough…when she learned to sign and speak, we got the hint–“HUNGRY!” K sweetie!), letting her independence shine through–she always feeds herself now (and it’s frequently not pretty), sits at the table in a booster if the meal isn’t TOO messy, combs her own hair and applies product, brushes her own teeth, puts on her lotion, sleeps in a bunk bed…Often this means we do things twice (grooming, etc.), and it means a small lovely gets herself out of bed quite early, opens her bedroom door and runs into our room, but all of it has helped at least a little bit.

    Next up: potty training..she’s still young, but tells you when she has a dirty diaper and runs to her changing table (despite the fact that diaper changing is her least favorite activity of all time).

    And we got her a really quick puppy to chase around (allowing our slow, old dog a bit of a rest…)

    Hang in there!


  2. jenni
    Dec 20, 2007 @ 11:51:06

    I’ve enjoyed reading your blog for many months now (so it was really great to meet you at Meskerem in Nov!) I too struggle with what to write, but I do want Mamush to be able to read about all the realities of parenthood along with our hopes for him, the ups and downs along the way, and now the ups and downs as first-time parents. I have days when I do think “Wow, maybe I”m not cut out for this!” don’t we all?

    Thanks for sharing — you are not alone in all the feelings!


  3. Stacie
    Dec 21, 2007 @ 00:21:41

    I often get confused about the issues I’m having with Micah – whether they’re normal baby stuff, or adoption-related. It’s hard to judge (especially b/c I have nothing to judge against).
    I recently told my friend that I really thought I’d be better at this. 🙂 It’s NOT easy.
    Some of the things Boomer does remind me a lot of Josh (you met him that day at the zoo)… I’m going to email you…


  4. Deedra
    Dec 27, 2007 @ 23:36:19

    This is so eerie – I could have written this post when my 2nd was that age! There was no adoption factor there, it was just her personality difference from my first, as well as my fatigue and lack of time/patience. I’m nervous about adding a 4th, but somehow, I know now that my youngest is close to 4 years old, that the bad days will get fewer and farther between and you do, once again, get to make dinner without being interrupted 5 times by a crying baby or a fitting toddler! It really does happen! Not every day is a joy for me now, either, but it’s just easier than it was even a year ago. So, I understand, and I thank you for your honesty.

    Looking forward to seeing you soon!


  5. Tom Smith
    Feb 05, 2008 @ 20:20:40

    If everything were easy, we’d think it was hard. If everything was hard… well, it pretty much is, isn’t it? I’ve read stories about people who just magically did the right things at the right times, but in reality I think most of life is a struggle. If it all seems easy and natural–you’re just not paying attention. Gosh I’m inspiring!

    Seriously, you are all doing a great job. Keep it up. I admire your heart.


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