The last few years I have been increasingly finding myself slowing down and looking inward.  I think it has a lot to do with the kids being so much more independent.  I am not sure how anyone has time to think when they have kids under the age of 5.  But now we are in a new phase of life.  While my kids and husband are the center of my life, I am spending a little time figuring out the me part.  Trying to answer the who am I question.  Turns out it’s a  hard one, which is what I guess is the point.  We are here to figure it out.  I am constantly re-evaluating what I previously thought was true.  Trying to spend more time reflecting on the day, month, year, lifetime.

This week has been yet another re-eval.  January, just as the last 5-6 Januarys, I found myself motivated and ready to do some serious work on my fitness.  It was time to get skinny, toned, and in great shape.  I recruited some friends to hold me accountable and keep me from quitting, I set weekly goals, I bought a groupon for Crossfit!!!  I made it all the way until last weekend.  I was logging on myfitnesspal everyday and going to Crossfit twice a week.  And I was miserable.  I went to bed Sunday night feeling completely depleted.  Despite the fact everyone at Crossfit was nice to me, there was never a doubt that I was not part of the ‘group.’  I would spend the entire day dreading going, feel awkward once I got there, feel like I was going to die during the workout, and like the slowest person in the world when we finished.  And it wasn’t getting better.  I can’t say there was any part I found fun or looked forward to.  It simply did not make me feel happy.  And I think in a way that is what life is about.  Being happy.  So after being honest with Michael (who told me to quit) and my group of supporters (who told me to quit AND drink a Dr. Pepper) I decided it was time to take a week off and reflect.  I spent this week thinking about my goals (again) and what my priorities are (again) and whereto go from here.  I thought about what DOES make me happy.  And I realized a few things:

1.  I will never look like a Victoria’s Secret swimsuit model.  And I’m actually ok with that.

2.  I should do things that make me feel good.  Before, during, and after.  For instance, this week I went to the Y to play basketball with Savannah.  We laughed, we had fun, AND it was a workout.  It felt great the entire time.  Today Boomer and I went to climb stairs at the mounds.  We talked, we exercised, we got sunshine and fresh air, and even learned a bit of history.  It felt great the entire time.  THAT’S the exercise I need.  The kind that is good for my body AND my soul.  Soulercise.

3.  I should carry over that philosophy to what I eat.  There are foods I like to eat that make me feel great as I am eating and like complete crap for the next 6 hours (hello, chinese buffet).  And then there are foods that I enjoy as I eat and later, those are usually a little better for me.

4.  When I have a choice between sitting and moving, I simply need to choose moving.  Outside if possible.

5.  If I start feeling guilty, miserable, fat, worthless, it’s simply a sign that I need to walk out the door and let nature fix me.


Sunshine is a powerful thing.


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