White Noise

I have always wished I could be inside someone else’s head for just a day, or even a moment.  How different from my own would it be?  Is it quiet or loud, busy or calm, clear or fuzzy?  I have to describe my own inner sanctum as fuzzy, quiet, and at times disorienting.  I have no idea if that is normal.  I am not even sure if it has always been that way.  I struggle with decisions, something I don’t think has always been true.  As soon as I start thinking of something of any sort of significance I am quickly overwhelmed and drift off to somewhere else.  Sadly my phone is a very powerful enabler.  Perhaps I have not been left alone with my thoughts enough lately.

I think what I am struggling with now is trying to look at the future.  I cannot seem to grasp it.  What will my life be like in 5 years?  This is where things get fuzzy.  I try to envision one and it doesn’t make sense, so I try a different one and it doesn’t make sense.  Last year I made the decision to switch schools in my current job.  I am still working for the same district, same pay, same hours, just at one small school instead of going back and forth between two large schools.  It honestly should have been an easy decision, yet I obsessed over it for weeks.  The only time I wasn’t worried about it was when I managed to completely let it go.  There are still even bigger decisions on the table.  Where should we move and when?  Are we finished having children?  What are our long-term plans?  Just writing the questions causes me to drift off.  I can’t even look at pros and cons.  I can’t have thoughtful conversations with my husband.  I sure as heck can’t actually make a real decision.  I simply find myself turning on my phone and just randomly opening apps.  Nothing but white noise.

Today I seek clarity.


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