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It has been 6 months since I have written anything here.  Partly because I have lost my definition of this space.  It started as a way to share the antics of my children with our family.  Facebook now fills that need.  Also my kids are older and have a desire for privacy.  I no longer write about many of their antics.  They seem to frown upon it.  So that just leaves me—and in all honesty I am not very comfortable writing much about me.  And I am not sure how much of me exists outside of our kids.

And yet… Here I am.  Tonight I had a desire to come here and just be in this space.  It reminds me of when my kids were little.  It reminds me of the time before Facebook.  It feels safe and warm and cozy.  I am not sure I can ever abandon it forever.

A lot has happened in the past 6 months.  The biggest of which is that we adopted again.  We now have a newborn and are soaking in every second with him.  This time around we registered with the National Down Syndrome Adoption Network.  Maybe I will say more about the journey later.  But for now I will just say that my heart is full.  I am completely in love, not just with this baby, but with my entire family.  I could never have imagined this amazing life.  When I find myself frozen in fear with the realization that I only get to do this life once I stop and look around.  While I doubt myself on an hourly basis, somehow I have no doubts when it comes to our family.  I am working on being present in order to soak in every moment of childhood with each of these amazing humans.

Perhaps I will come here more often as this journey continues.  Perhaps not, kids keep you busy.  Either way it helps me to know it is here.  It, too, has become a part of my time in this place.

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Bedtime

Boomer: No, mom, you have to tuck me in my actual bed and tell me how much you love me.

Me: Oooookay. I love you ALMOST enough to fill a teeny tiny thimble.

Boomer: No, that’s not right.

Me: As much as something super tiny- as much as a germ!

Boomer: No, mom-it’s big like a planet. You love me as big as… The Big Bang!!! You love me as much as the Big Bang and it gets bigger every day the same as you love me more!!!

Me: Huh…. You’re right. I love you as much as the Big Bang!

Small Moments

It’s the little things. Cliche, but true…

Friday at work I managed to have a moment where I wasn’t spinning quite so quickly. In fact, I was able to have 60 seconds of confidence that I got this. I can do this. I am good at what I do. The clouds parted for a moment of brilliant sunshine. I know that will happen again and again in the coming weeks, months and throughout this year until I am no longer the new social worker. I am just the awesome social worker!

Then today two amazing things happened. Some yelling by a child that resulted in his actual working through what he was feeling. And being able to talk about those deeper feelings. Followed by a very successful play date at our house with his best friend that involved sharing, snacking, joking and Mario.

I am feeling so happy this evening. The sunshine is there people. Even on the days you can’t feel it’s warmth on your skin. It will peek through to remind you. It’s not going anywhere.

Parenting

I really wish it were easier. I mean, really, it would be the best for all involved. Parents could be proud of themselves, kids would have a better upbringing. Whose idea was it to make all this so complicated anyhow?

Tonight I had one of those nights where I find myself feeling a failure. Even though we came home after school and Boomer helped me unload the dishwasher while dinner was cooking. Even though Supergirl sat at the counter doing her homework while we worked. Even though we ate dinner together and had a great discussion about school. Even though after that we worked together on a voluntary art project for school. Even though we did all of that without arguing. Somehow, in the 15 minutes between bath time and bed things fell apart.
Sometimes I feel like it is the tiniest moments that I get onto them the most about.
Tonight it was asking Boomer to get his clothes out for the next day and wait for me to come read him a book. Suddenly he was running around downstairs getting the dogs all riled up. Because he wanted to get a ‘different’ blanket from the sofa. I was instantly completely frustrated. I started in about his not listening, he started in about needing a blanket, I made him take the blanket back, I started in about his clothes not being out. He started in about “I KNOW I heard you already now just stop talking” I started in about don’t talk to me that way. He started in about don’t yell at me. I started in about follow directions again. Then came the low blow. He pulled the ‘I wish I was in Ethiopia instead of here’ line.
Somewhere in that 2 minute exchange I think I threatened to take tv, toys, and “all fun” away for the unforeseen future.
I finally just turned out the light and started to walk out, angrier than ever… But I stopped. I stood in the doorway for a while, and then I went back. I sat on his bed with him and we talked. We were both still mad. But we talked. I told him we both don’t like it and we need to figure out how to not yell at each other. We talked about Ethiopia. He told me he feels sad about it. (I honestly don’t know how much of that is true and how much is a ploy, but I am going to assume that, on some level, it is absolutely true). He told me he doesn’t like to tell people he’s sad about it. I told him he can always tell me he’s sad about it, but it’s harder for me to help when he only yells it at me when he is angry. I told him the story of our meeting (again). Except this time I added my emotions. Just how nervous and excited and scared I was. He loves that story. Then I tucked him in and told him I love him. Forever.

Then I began searching the house for Supergirl, only to find her on my bed upset. She asked if I had heard her calling for me. I had not. She said she had been downstairs and the dogs began playing tug-of-war with her robe (which she was wearing) and wouldn’t let go and she was scared. I apologized profusely and let her cry. She asked what I had been doing in Boomer’s room and I told her. I told her that sometimes, even though he doesn’t say it, it probably is hard for Boomer to be different. To know he didn’t grow in my belly like she did. To know he doesn’t look like any of us. To know somewhere, on the other side of the world, is another family that we share him with. And yet he is our Boomer. And we love him. Forever.

Adoption talk

Boomer is adopted. That is a fact. My brother is adopted. I am friends with many other adoptive parents who have children that are adopted. There are children in both Supergirl AND Boomer’s classes that are adopted. It is a part of our life. BUT it is not the WHOLE of our life.
I have found that some adoptive parents begin to define both themselves and their children through adoption. It consumes most of their conversations with others, most of their interest, and the way they relate to the world. That is not so for us. It is simply a part of who we are. Boomer is an adopted child, yes, but that does not define him. He is SO MUCH MORE!!! In fact, that is probably not even in the top 5 adjectives I would use when trying to describe WHO he is.
As I think about it I realize ‘adoption’ is probably the first thing strangers notice about him. But I know it is only a matter of seconds before they notice so much more. It goes from, he must be adopted–to he has a lot of energy—to he is so funny and outgoing.
He is smart, funny, quick-tempered, big-hearted, ENERGETIC, outgoing, silly, thoughtful and cuddly. Oh, and he is adopted. He didn’t grow in my belly. He has an Ethiopian mom and dad in addition to us. He is happy to tell you he is from Ethiopia and how he became part of our family. It’s a part of his life. I realize throughout his life, the fact he is adopted will vary in it’s importance to him. Some day he may feel it defines him, someday it may consume his thoughts. But right now it doesn’t. Right now his thoughts are consumed by play and our puppy and cartoons and his sister. And that’s how it should be. At least for our family…

A little peak inside my head

Okay, so you may have noticed I haven’t really posted any ‘thoughts’ in awhile.  Sure, I’ve posted lots of updates and pictures, but nothing else.  There are several reasons for this.  For one, I feel like my thoughts change dramatically everyday, so if I write a post today, I’ll probably read it tomorrow and wonder what the heck I was talking about.  Secondly, this waiting stuff has been pretty hard and I don’t want a blog written by Ms. Debbie Downer…

There are days lately where I can  not imagine my life being any more perfect.  I love my family, our house, my job, the weather.  There are those moments where I close my eyes and try to etch it into my brain to remember forever.  For example, the other night the weather was perfect and Supergirl and I went for a walk around the neighborhood.  I with my ipod, and she with her awesome FP3 Player (thanks grandma).  As we walked she was belting out songs like “Kiss the Girl” from the Little Mermaid.  Now, if you have never heard a 2-year-old sing that song it is truly the cutest thing ever.  She has been cracking us up so much lately.  Her vocabulary is hilarious.  Her word choices are always pretty impressive.  She is also obsessed with her future career as an ‘animal doctor.’  About 500 times a day she leads our dog to the corner of the porch, her ‘office,’ and asks “Jackson, how are you feeling?  Are you sad, happy, afraid?”  Apparently she is the next dog whisperer… (oh, and I am happy to report Jackson is pretty much always ‘happy’ according to the dr.)

There are also other days where I feel very beat down by the adoption process.  Don’t get me wrong, I am more than excited about getting him home. It’s just the wait and unpredictability that can drive you nuts.  I can do nothing but look at those pictures and watch him growing up without us.  I am watching him being raised by other people.  I can not imagine how birthmothers feel.  This is exactly what they do, except forever….  It is hard hard hard.  In the beginning I tried very hard not to look at his picture.  I did not want to get attached until things were more final.  Heck, not until I met him in person.  But that is inevitable.  I looked…and looked…and bought him things…and wrote to him, and thought of him, and love him!  I still have this secret fear deep in my heart that our case will never pass court, that he will never come home to us. That is a very strong fear.  I know in reality we will most likely pass our next court date and will be on an airplane this time next month to meet him.  But still…even that is ‘most likely.’  Nothing is certain.  And that is what is hard.

A baby boy!!!

Finally…. introducing Baby G 🙂

Eyobed, Feb[1]. 5

We actually got the referral last Wednesday and its been a little crazy since then.  But nonetheless here he is.  And he is beautiful!!!  He is 5 months old and we can’t wait to meet him! (although Supergirl has been packing up all of her toys that she doesn’t want him to touch)

More later 🙂

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